Notes on a homecoming

I’m on a plane right now, going home to the Philippines after 3 years of being away. The last time I checked the flight map, DL167 was at the height of its arc over the Bering Sea, halfway from Seattle to Tokyo. I am awake and restless, suspended in the air between my two cultures, my two identities, my past and my present.

This trip is for a show I’ve been invited to play in Manila, and I’m excited. I’ve missed playing for people who know and love my songs. I’ve missed the aspect of myself that has its roots in the Philippines, where the music I wrote at home on my guitar made its way into the homes and lives of so many people. Little shards from my most formative experiences are woven into those songs. They are a part of me, and a part of my audience, too.

But there’s another vital part of myself that I’ve kept private. While I’m on this plane, my partner, Stacey, is at our home in Seattle with my daughter and our dog and cat. We met 7 years ago while she was a Fulbright scholar in Manila.

In Seattle, Stacey and I are surrounded by supportive friends, coworkers, and neighbors. When we walk hand in hand along the beach, strangers smile at us. My daughter has never encountered homophobia at her high school, and she’s proud to tell people she has two moms. Being an openly gay family feels comfortable and natural in Seattle, which is why we choose to live there.

Meanwhile, in the Philippines, I have kept my silence. Initially, I thought I could maintain a balancing act, living happily in Seattle with my partner, while avoiding the truth during visits back home. But life in an accepting society has changed me. I want to live with authenticity all the time, everywhere.

Like many LGBTQ people raised in a predominantly Roman Catholic society, my biggest challenge was self-acceptance. It was something I had to work through, like making my way out of a forest into a clearing. Three years ago, when reporters asked me why I was leaving, I thought that calling my reasons “personal” would suffice. I wasn’t ready to tell the world the whole truth.

People wanted more tangible answers, though, and they latched on to the only one that was offered. A writer suggested that I was leaving due to the lack of support for OPM artists in the Philippines, and even though this writer had never interviewed me, his opinion was taken as fact.

Let me be clear: I did not leave the Philippines because I lacked support for my music. Being an independent musician is hard anywhere. Even after I gained some traction in the industry with my second album, I chose to remain independent because I wanted artistic control over my work.

It wasn’t a very lucrative situation, and the debate over how we value OPM in mainstream society has led to some important cultural soul-searching. But as for me, it’s precisely because of the support of loyal fans and friends that I was able to write and play music full-time, which is an incredible gift. I am grateful for that.

Moving to Seattle was a choice that my partner and I made together. I love my country, and I’m often homesick for the people, the food, and the sensory details that provided a rich and vibrant place for an artist to grow. I’ll always be proud to be a Filipina. But I also love my new home for the confidence and poise it’s given me to live openly with my partner.

In the Philippines, I used to introduce people to Stacey as a friend, because I wasn’t brave enough to say who she really was to me. Only our close friends and family members knew. Now, things will be different.

I know that not everyone will approve, but that doesn’t worry me. As Alice Walker said, “No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.” When people ask me again why I left, I’ll tell them I fell in love with an American girl. It’s as simple, and as wondrous, as that. – Rappler.com

Cynthia Alexander is a singer-songwriter from the Philippines, now based in Seattle, Washington. She has released 3 award-winning albums and a live album, and is at work on her fifth. She has been the musical director of the puppet theater show, Sita & Rama, the composer of the Ballet Philippines production Wagas, and a founding member of the group Humanfolk. She performed recently at the Arts House at the Parliament in Singapore, Lincoln Center in New York, the La Peña Cultural Arts Center in Berkeley, and Union Square in San Francisco.